Real ESL

One of my regular visitors sent me an essay about an experience he had in Niagara Falls. I told you to use sensory details in your writing. Below, I’ve posted most of his essay. You can read it first or after my comments. If you read it first, try to figure out if the highlighted parts are good or bad. I’d like to tell you what I liked about his essay first and what common mistakes he made after that. If you like this post, I may do this more often with essays people send me.

Good Part #1: Details

In this essay, Nafis uses a lot of great details, such as, “pink and white blossoms” and “the wind was blowing.” To improve it even more, he could use a wider variety of details. Many people use visual details, but forget to talk about smell, sound, touch and taste.

Good Part #2: So … that

He uses one really useful grammar structure… (subject) was so (adjective) that (new subject) (verb)
“The ceramic floors were so shine that I could see my face on it.” He should have said “The ceramic floors were so shiny that I could see my face in them.” However, he used the structure correctly and it’s a nice detail. He also wrote, “The weather was so cold that we could not walk along the street.” Very good.

Five Mistakes and The Corrections

Mistake #1: our friends and we

Except for I, you should put the pronoun first… We and our friends… He and his friends, She and her friends, My friends and I.
Also, using “we” in this case is very strange because I don’t know to whom it refers. Better to say, “My friends and I…” According to Oxford Grammar, it is not incorrect to switch this; however, it is awkward and unusual.

Mistake #2: one and a half hour

This should be “one and a half hours” because the time period is more than an hour.

Mistake #3: twelve and thirty o’clock

This should be “twelve-thirty”. Don’t use o’clock if it’s not exactly 6 o’clock or 7 o’clock or 3 o’clock. If it’s 7:15, you just say seven-fifteen.

Mistake #4: too crowded

Be careful about using too + an adjective. This should be “very crowded” or “so crowded” because “too crowded” implies a negative result. For example, it was too crowded, so we left. Or: It was too crowded to move.

Mistake #5: On the evening

This needs to be “in the evening”. You also need to use “in” for “in the morning” and “in the afternoon”.

An Excerpt of the Essay with Highlights
(I used an ellipsis, also called dot-dot-dot, (…) every time I cut part of the essay)
A trip to Niagara Falls

Niagara Falls, one of the most powerful falls in the North America, attracts many tourists every year… Trees had beautiful pink and white blossoms and I saw many wineries. Shortly afterwards, Lake Ontario and Erie intensified the beauty of the road. We were surrounded by deep blue water on the way to Niagara…After one and a half hour, we arrived to the city called “Niagara-on-the-lake”. It is a really nice small city near the Niagara. There were lots of handicrafts, gardening tools, and outfits stores along the street. The street was decorated by red, yellow, purple tulips. The white carriages took the tourists around the city. The weather was so cold that we could not walk along the street. The wind was blowing severely so we went into the stores. We visited a handicraft store which had handicrafts from around the world such as Africa, Asia, Canada, Pakistan and etc. The prices were too high. I saw paintings from First Nations in Canada. Colourful baskets, marble kitchen utensils, jewelleries, African statues were very in nice shapes and colours which I had not seen before…We wandered on the major street until twelve and thirty o’clock. We all were very hungry so we decided to go to a Casino that we heard of its fantastic foods. We could see the Niagara fall through the Casino’s huge windows. The Casino was too crowded which was strange in this time of the year. After standing in line, it eventually was our turn to be seated. The buffet Casino restaurant had various delicious foods and desserts including fish, oysters, pizzas… The ceramic floors were so shine that I could see my face on it. …On the evening, we returned to our home and prepared ourselves for the new week.